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Exploring “Should Energy” As A Way To Increase Self-Awareness

By Lisa Meuser.  

I’ve been exploring “should energy” over the last month. Well, way longer than that. Shoulds and I go way back. Maybe you know what I mean, as it seems it’s a common feature of being human.

Should energy used to be imperceptible to me, while at the same time running my life. As I slowly developed a relationship with myself and my experiences through mindful practices and embodied inquiry, my system started to notice when should energy was running in the background. That noticing changed my life. Some invisible force no longer was pulling me along. Noticing that should energy was like shining a light on something I had often felt, but couldn’t see.

Naming the shoulds then took me another step forward and allowed me to ask questions of myself and engage in self-inquiry: Was it true that I “should” do X, Y or Z? Did I **have to** follow the should energy? What was really going on?

 

Push-Pull Dissonance

Many years ago I was doing inquiry on a conflict I was having with someone. I could feel this push-pull inside my gut. I did not want to speak with this person, and yet I felt like I had to because he was in my circle of friends. I was so twisted up inside until all of a sudden, I noticed that there was should energy running the whole show. As I stayed with it, more specifics were revealed: “You should get along with him. You should talk with him. You should work it out.” The second I named the shoulds, my entire system collapsed in relief.

As I allowed time for my body to feel that relief, I discovered that I could name both things as true: I did not want to speak with him yet and he was in my circle of friends. In that moment it was ok that both were true.

I was able to be with the discomfort of there being conflict, without the debilitating dissonance caused by should energy. That was a new experience for me. The increased awareness or noticing, and then naming the should energy, gave me the ability to be more of a conscious participant in my life, and the empowerment that came with that was something my system never forgot.

Since that experience, should energy has been recognized fairly easily by my system as it has a certain signature or felt expression for me, often through a sense of push/pull. However lately I’ve been studying should energy with closer conscious attention, as the shoulds in my life seem to keep getting more subtle and subtle, and access to my cellular memory has been becoming more and more available.

 

Disguised as Restlessness

I noticed a really subtle should sneak in one afternoon a few weeks ago. I had been looking forward to that afternoon all week, excited to have time to write about so much that was bubbling up inside me. When the afternoon came, and my house was quiet, I found myself tired. I wanted to just rest, but I had these nagging thoughts of wanting to take advantage of my time, using it to produce and create. I slowed down and as I felt into what was calling to me, I was able to honor my system’s need to rest and not produce. I took it easy that night, but I couldn’t quite shake the restlessness.

 

Family of Origin

The next day that unsettled energy/restlessness was still there, and as I did some embodied inquiry it took me right to should energy.  I took my time to feel more deeply into the energy, and the context from the night before. Just saying the word “should” led my whole body to tighten. That let me know that there was a lot of Velcro, or meaning-making connected with that word.

I stayed with my contracted body as I said the word over and over. Eventually some content started to arise. I saw images of my grandparents’ house, which led to images of my grandfather. As I continued to stay with what was arising I was able to see that my grandfather, who lived and breathed by rigid should energy, had passed his should beliefs on to me. It was like I was able to see a whole matrix of conditioning. I curiously studied all the should energy and corresponding beliefs that I took on from him, and as I did, they slowly started to release and I was able to get clear on what beliefs were his, and what were mine.

It was amazingly freeing to notice the various belief systems and their energetic tendrils that had been passed onto me, and that I now had a choice to be my own sovereign person, different than that of my familial lineage. This was not the first time that I had studied how my family of origin’s belief system had been imprinted upon me, but this time I was able to see the whole web in an even more profound way.

 

Family of Origin, Take 2

The topic came up again in an inquiry session the following week, and this time it was my other grandparents that showed up. Two different memories arose. Both contained un-integrated emotional events – one with my grandfather and one with my grandmother. As I slowly processed through each event it was powerful to connect with the different parts of me that were struggling, when, as a child I interacted with my grandparents. The thing that stood out with both memories was the lack of guidance I received then that I so needed. As I journeyed back, revisiting the emotional relationships between us, I was able to see the disconnect I felt. With that a well of grief arose that I had never known was there. Allowing myself to grieve allowed me to have compassion for myself, as well as them.  When the tears subsided I was left with clarity that nothing needed to be different. There was a sense of simplicity, ease and understanding.

 

Curiosity Begets More Curiosity Begets Clarity

Over the next week my system continued to study hidden resonances of should energy that were coming up from within and which were also coming from various people around me. I was able to see with increased clarity that others’ expectations and should belief structures were exactly that – theirs. Being able to make that distinction gave others permission to be them, and me to be me, leaving me without dissonance or push/pull energy.

 

Noticing, Naming, Navigating

I’m not sure if the energy of shoulds will ever fully dissipate. Our culture feeds on expectations, obligations, and should-type energy and our families of origin often reinforce them, passing them on to us. We can stop the cycle, but it takes willingness to be mindful about our experiences and then inquire into them.

Freedom comes as we are able to notice the beliefs that bind us, name how they’re in place, and then navigate their release. But we can’t do any of this if we aren’t willing to look at what motivates/restrains us, or what is underneath the cognitive dissonance and anxious discomfort so many of us feel throughout our lives that are tied to should energy and belief structures.

For me, just asking myself “Are there are hidden shoulds here?” started to increase my awareness as to their existence. I also found it useful to ask about should energy coming from others, and then the should energy in me that showed up in response. “What should energy is X person coming from? How am I responding to that? Does it bring up my own shoulds? Do either of us need to be different than we are?”

Keep asking questions, keep being curious, keep noticing and keep naming. The clarity will come as a natural byproduct to that, as will a shift in your relationship with your experiences, yourself, and your world.

To read more about Lisa Meuser, click here.

Willpower And Food

By Sumitra Judith Burton.  Something sweet is happening along my path of mindfulness with eating.

Using the Living Inquiries or other tools to help unravel an addiction with food is tricky in the sense that it’s not possible to totally abstain from eating. My relationship with food and eating for emotional comfort has provided some great teachings over my lifetime. I would do well using willpower for a while with a new diet, with the new intentions and restrictions, and then somewhere along the line I would give up as it became impossible to stay restricted over the long haul. Many times I lost weight, and then later gained it all back.

Recently I was noticing this failure of mine to use willpower to manage my eating. With willpower I can feel a contraction in my gut as I steel my will to power through with something, to force compliance of this naughty and weak self that can’t seem to accomplish the simplest things sometimes.

What came to me then is so lovely – an intention to investigate using, instead of willpower, a sense of “willingness” – to simply ask myself with respect and compassion, “What am I willing to do in this moment?”

I am truly amazed at the difference I feel, talking to myself in this kind and gentle way, opening to sweet possibilities. Willingness offers choices in each moment rather than the strict adherence to certain rules. Each moment brings new possibilities.

I’m noticing a willingness to consider things like, “How will I feel in half an hour if I eat this?” and wanting to feel light and strong. There is a sense of spaciousness with willingness that seems missing with willpower. Instead of holding myself stiffly within set boundaries, there is open space in which to create a new and gentler pathway.

In this way, “will” is still being engaged, but in a much gentler and more respectful way, which allows speaking to myself with loving kindness, such as when I slip and overeat, “It’s okay – no problem. Perfection is not required….” With “willingness” there is room to breathe, and smile.

The Living Inquiries process is allowing me to feel kindness towards myself, to quiet the judgmental thinking. It may take a bit longer to dissolve the compulsive behavior – using willingness rather than willpower – as there are many thought patterns, emotions and sensations to inquire into; but in the long run I am hopeful the results will be lasting.

In the meantime, the process itself is heartening, as I gradually learn to love myself.

I’ve Come to Love Doing Mindless Routine Chores!

By Hanneke Geraeds.

Before I learned about Natural Rest I kept postponing mindless routine chores, like plucking weeds, vacuum cleaning, mopping the floors, cleaning the bathroom, ironing or painting walls or window-frames.

Now I don’t mind doing them anymore. I play this game: trying to catch the moment when I fall from doing them in a Mindful way into doing them mindlessly. I didn’t succeed yet…

Today I started off ironing Mindfully, in Natural Rest. Seeing wrinkled fabric change into smoothed fabric, hearing the steamy breath of my iron, the whisper of fabric against fabric, smelling the sweet odour of detergent, feeling warmth underneath my fingers and a damp warmth touching my cheeks, hearing words saying: “I like this dress.” and then pictures of our daughter and me buying it in an unfamiliar shop in another town. Seeing her happy smile because she bumped into what would become her favourite dress later.

Typing this, I can see now, this was the moment I should have caught to win my little game. But I didn’t. And somehow I did notice the story the words created, I realize now. I did because I’m able to at least reconstruct the thought train, which went from my smiling daughter to reasons why we were there in that town, how things have evolved from that point onward. Telling myself it turned out well. Followed by worrying about the future. And at that moment I noticed I stopped being Mindful, I stopped Resting Naturally. The worrying words were velcroed to a tightening sensation in my stomach. Feeling this physical sensation from within. Then hearing the voice of my thoughts again. And the moment I started hearing them, they stopped in the middle of the sentence as it happens often like this for me.

It reminds me of a time when I was chatting with a class mate and suddenly noticed the whole class being silent, then noticing the strict look on the teacher’s face, looking at me…

Though I didn’t win my game, I can Rest Naturally again, enjoying colours, sounds, structures, physical sensations and new words when my voice in the head has grown confident again to go on. And in the meantime, chores get done.

Making Peace with Peacemaking

By Lisa Meuser.

Hi, I’m Lisa and I’m a recovering peacemaker.

There’s not a 12 step program exclusively for peacemakers, but you can be sure that at every 12 step meeting, in every recovery program, peacemakers and recovering peacemakers will be present. And while being addicted to peacemaking may not have the same stigma or even consequences as being addicted to drugs, sex or gambling, there’s definitely a cost.

If you’re unfamiliar with peacemakers, here are some traits:

Excuse-making for others
Justifying others’ actions
Saying things are “no big deal” or “ok”
Going along with things that don’t feel right
Strategically avoiding conflict

In short, when I respond with this kind of thinking – “Let’s not make problems/make waves…” – I’m in classic peacemaking mode (can also be seen as peacekeeping).

I’ve spent years engaging in these kinds of behaviors, not because I was consciously trying to be a peacemaker. These kinds of behaviors came about innocently when I was quite young. I would do anything to try and earn the love of my caregivers, because my survival literally depended on it. In addition, I learned some of these traits directly from them. To explain it another way, I learned behaviors/associations/interpretations while I was young to try to guarantee my survival, and unknowingly repeated these behaviors so frequently over the years that they became part of my neural pathways, regardless of whether or not they were actually useful or necessary. That’s how addiction and habitual behavior work.

For what it’s worth, neural pathways are neutral in the sense that they don’t care if the behaviors set within them are positive or negative, are healthy or unhealthy, or bring happiness or suffering. A neural pathway is like a groove that gets set, like a groove in a record, because X activity is repeated over and over. It’s simply a mechanism of the brain and it’s all contextual. For example: neural pathways are often incredibly useful, as evidenced by how easy and natural it is for most of us to drive a car. Sometimes we might even totally zone out while driving, and still safely get where we’re going. Neural pathways allow us to do a lot of activities without much conscious thought, which is fine when the behaviors are helping us thrive, but not so fine when the behaviors are unhealthy or even dangerous to our well-being.

This all may sound like we’re slaves to our neural pathways. The good news is that we’re not! Because neural pathways (as well as beliefs and behaviors) are ever-changing and malleable, we’re never truly prisoners. We only need to have mindfulness for change to happen, which means that once we discover the beliefs and the behaviors- once we become aware of them- they are now in our consciousness. And once we are conscious of something, we have choice, which means they no longer control us. Hooray!

Coming back to my own peacemaking addiction- I spent years engaging in these kinds of behaviors without being aware or conscious of what I was doing, and always at the expense of my own integrity. Whenever I compromise my integrity, I basically disappear myself. It’s as if I subconsciously decide that I don’t matter, am not valuable, and lack worth. And I then submit to “other,” because “I” no longer exist. To live this way is to truly put oneself at the mercy of others, which is to say that one’s lovability, worth, importance, safety, and okay-ness are in the hands of someone else. It’s a bitch of a way to live- always clamoring for love and affection from others, myself an empty vessel.

I’ve got more good news, though! Just like any addiction or habitual behavior, or even anxiety and depression,  the way of the peacemaker doesn’t have to be set in stone. Simply by becoming mindful of my patterning and being willing to experience what lies beneath, I allowed my “automatic pilot” behaviors to shift. This was a very powerful discovery for me, and has brought about huge change in my life.

I’ve been on the path of recovering from this peacemaker patterning in a mindful and beautiful way for a while now. There is an amazing difference in my life, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still occasionally get caught in its seductive and often opaque traps. The wonderful thing about becoming aware of one’s patterning is that the trap can get spotted quickly and, instead of getting caught, something new gets to be revealed and danced with- which breaks the patterning apart even more.

I got an opportunity to further release some of this patterning around the time of my last birthday. A call came in from my brother and mom, and they left me a voicemail singing happy birthday to me. Sweet, right? Well, except that they called to wish me a happy birthday on the wrong date. Um, yeah. I felt the sweetness…along with something else that was not-so-sweet.

It was an innocent mistake. I quickly acknowledged that, and then laughed and made light of it for a few minutes, reminding myself of how loving they were in the recording- until I noticed that this was that old peacemaking pattern, and I was about to sink into the trap. I paused and acknowledged that there was something here begging to be felt and honored, and that it was important to not cover it up with my usual “oh it’s all good” mentality.

Then I became torn for another reason- I was supposed to run a training call in 20 minutes, and meet with my co-leader in 5 minutes. I could feel that old pattern really wanting to kick in- “You don’t have time to feel this, just let it go. It’s no big deal.”

Here’s the thing about integrity, though. It’s like a muscle- when you start to use it, it gets bigger. It takes up more space, and can become quite powerful. My own integrity was no longer allowing me to bypass what I was experiencing. I messaged my co-worker: “I’ve got something going on and I need to feel it. It feels important.” Because of the type of work we do, she fully supported me and told me to take as long as I needed. (I love my job!)

Little did I know that I had set a crucial tone by saying what I did: “It feels important.” My caregivers had a history of making me feel unimportant, which translated to years of me making myself and my experiences unimportant. It was no accident that I chose those words. My experiences were important, and it was important that I honor them. Even if it meant I’d be late for the training. Whew.

When I stopped pretending it was all okay and instead felt inward, I became honest with myself (hello again, integrity!): that early birthday call from my family had actually anchored me to some childhood experiences I’d already been intimately wading through that week – and it did not feel okay. With those childhood hurts already fresh on the surface of my attention, I opted to forgo the addictive patterning path of the peacemaker, and instead honored what was really coming to the surface for me.

First I allowed myself to experience the pang in my heart and feel the expression of grief. “OUCH,” my heart seemed to say, “My birthday’s not today. It’s tomorrow. The day of my birth is tomorrow.” It felt a bit silly on some superficial level, but deep down I knew this wasn’t about the early birthday call. Grief from so many moments of feeling dismissed, unseen, and unimportant started to flow out of and through my body. I cried and shook as I laid on my bed. My breathing was fully engaging the top part of my chest in heaves, which was a new experience for me. I felt excited about this, as I had been consciously exploring the upper part of my chest/lungs earlier that week. I could feel my system expanding outward as it released the old and allowed the birth of the new. What I was experiencing seemed like deep layers of my internal basement getting cleaned out, and as a result was a wider range of spaciousness than I’d ever experienced. I was accessing new strengths, new stability.

Years of making myself invisible, pretending in order to please, trying so hard to be good, and pushing my true feelings down over and over and over again…they were all releasing, and I was giving them importance and space to be exactly as they were. Let me repeat that, because this is extremely important: I was giving them importance and space to be. Integrity. Internal resourcing. Self love.

The grief had her way with me, and eventually the dance started to move into dangerous territory for a peacemaker/peacekeeper: into anger. Anger was shut down quickly in my household. Hopelessness and depression would go unnoticed, but anger was squashed. I could feel the evolution as my system felt safe enough to go into this taboo realm.

What had been grief over being abandoned and dismissed by my caregivers gave way to rage. I grabbed a towel and let my body release this rage exactly as it wanted- I screamed into the towel and felt my body release and tighten and release and tighten … and release. My somatic system was engaging in deeply repressed expressions that were finally free and safe to reveal themselves. My body shook some more, releasing years of repressed sensations. My mind offered up a panorama of events from my childhood where I felt unimportant. Memories of my last relationship popped up, which mirrored similar dynamics. I stayed with all the memories and felt the energies that arose with them, and I let those energies express themselves through tears and yells as various sensations rippled through my body.

My attention tenderly stayed with the thoughts, the imagery, and the energies that were cascading through my experience. The floodgates were open and my hands were off the wheel. Stories and content that felt true were allowed to be named. Emotions were safe to be felt and expressed. Sensations were fully allowed to exist in their own right.

Eventually something shifted, and the stories magically faded. I was left feeling the aliveness of my somatic system without judgment, fear, or resistance. I curiously brought back up the mental panorama of images that had so clearly been referencing and proving my lack of importance, only to discover that they no longer had any meaning. In fact, nowhere in my experience did I feel unimportant or unseen. The stories of unimportance, abandonment, dismissal, and rejection had fallen away, as had the grief and anger. At that point I was able to look back upon the call from my mother and brother and feel nothing but sweetness without any pretending.

Taking this time for myself was really important. It took about 30 minutes from start to finish, and I was 15 minutes late to the training call, but it was totally worth it. Happy early birthday to me!

When I consciously become intimate with my patterning, I have the choice to shift behaviors and move into new ones…and experience life in a very different way. Neural pathways literally change each time I deviate from old behaviors, and this has a profound impact on my life as I release the old ‘stuff,’ and make space for new and enlivening experiences and relationships that align with the integrity of who I am now, rather than the small un-resourceful child I once was.

It’s not always easy. I have to be willing to feel my authentic feelings, whatever they may be. I have to be willing to not rush past, to not pretend. I have to be willing to make my experiences and feelings important, as they are happening for me. I have to be willing to make *me* important. And that is death to a peacemaker/keeper. Hooray! When I make myself important, when I honor what’s true for me, when I am honest and in integrity with myself, the role of the peacemaker automatically starts to crumble- she just cannot exist anymore when there is mindfulness- the pretending stops.

When we’re aware that we have an addictive/behavioral pattern, we can bring the light of consciousness toward that pattern, toward the reaction that we have, and really study it. Nothing is a life sentence- everything is up for exploration and discovery and mindful meditation.

We are all capable of journeying into our patterned reactions, because all human beings have the ability to be aware of their experiences. All it requires is slowing down, practicing mindfulness, and having a readiness and willingness to notice, feel, and explore. Here are 5 steps to get you started!

 

  1. Notice the common reactive state. We often have quite a few of these. Notice yours. It might look like this: “Oh! I’m doing that peacemaker thing right now.”   Noticing it means that you’re onto it- it’s in the spotlight now.
  1. Acknowledge it. A common response to being in a reactive state is to resist it. What we resist persists. So just acknowledge it. It might look like this: “Hi peacemaker. I see that you’re here. I may not like that you’re here, but you are, and I can acknowledge that you’re here.” This continues to bring it out into the light.
  1. See its innocence. We didn’t decide one day to install reactive beliefs and behaviors into our neural pathways. They were innocently created when we were young, doing the best we could under the circumstances, with parents who were doing the best they knew how. It might look like this: “Hi, peacekeeper. I see you, I notice you. I still may not like you, but I get that you’re just a part of my neurology. It’s not because I’m bad, or I did anything wrong. You’ve just kinda been built into my system.” This continues to diffuse one’s vigilance or resistance that might come with the reactive state.
  1. Feel it- engage directly with it. Do not act from it. Feel into it. This is a huge step, because the way we change neural pathways is by doing things differently. Steps 1-3 are already starting the new neural pathway process, but this step is really laying the groundwork. Instead of unconsciously continuing engagement with the behavior or belief, we’re now meeting it as it is. This is true compassion, and this is true love. We all know how compassion and love can transform. This might look like taking time to pause what you’re doing, and being with whatever it is that you’re experiencing- as I did with my reaction to my birthday call.
  1. Be patient with yourself and get support as needed. Changing our neural pathways, changing our reactions, changing our beliefs and behaviors is no easy job. For many of us it has taken decades for them to develop to where they are now. So it will also take some time to unwind them. We often need help. Be kind with yourself.

 

Being consciously aware of our habitual behaviors allows us to meet parts of ourselves that have been running the show from behind the curtain. In this way we can become friendly with ourselves rather than being critical. It can also bring spaciousness into our lives and relationships, in that we no longer blindly react, but can respond consciously to stressful situations. Part of being human is to have neural pathways. Make friends with them, know that you play a role in their existence, and explore them to discover yourself.

I recently heard someone say, “There isn’t an eraser that can erase the past.” Maybe that’s true and maybe it’s not. I do know that, with the right tools, I can change my present experience of the past. I know that when I honor what is alive in me, and don’t push it aside, I live a different kind of Now. When I honor myself, when I love myself, I experience a life of greater width and depth, a life that feels kind, loving, and precious. I experience a life where stories of being unimportant, not good enough, unlovable, and unsafe cannot loom over me. I am no longer at the mercy of others, desperate to please, or continuously trying to get approval. Instead, I experience inherent love and worth, from an internal resource that has no limit to its capacity. It seems to me that that might be what real peace feels like, and it’s a far better kind of peace to make. Every opportunity to shift into this experience is a blessing. A gift. So… Happy birthday to me, indeed.