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Overcompensation Is Self-Deception

By Scott Kiloby.

Sometimes the core deficiency story is so painful that we conceal it from others and ourselves. We act as if the opposite of the deficiency story were true. The mind overcompensates in an effort for us not to feel the painful emotions that lie at the core of the deficiency story.

When we overcompensate, what’s actually going on is self-deception. We convince ourselves that we’re more worthy, special, important, knowledgeable, or spiritual than others, and we hide behind this façade. Others then appear in the mirror of relationship as less worthy, less special, less important, less knowledgeable, or less spiritual.

When we’re truly free of the core belief I’m deficient, we find no reason to overcompensate. We feel little need to identify with the stories I’m good or I’m worthy, or to define others as bad or unworthy. When we’re free of the belief in separation and deficiency, we naturally radiate that freedom, which may make us seem confident but not arrogant. There’s nothing to brag about, because we’re no longer trying to convince anyone of anything.

When overcompensation is present, there are two ways for you to uncover it and see through it while doing the inquiries:

    1. Overcompensating means keeping painful emotions buried by telling yourself that you’re better than others in some way. But those emotions usually arise along with painful memories. So if you want to uncover and see through overcompensation, remember a time when you felt deficient. Sit with that memory until painful emotions arise. Then ask yourself, “What are these painful emotions saying about me?”
    2. When you’re doing the Panorama Inquiry, imagine others in your life in a circle around you, and notice how you define them as somehow less important than you. Then imagine that there’s no one and nothing in the circle around you. In that moment, you won’t be using the mirror of relationship to define yourself in relation to other people, and this shift will tend to reveal that you—by yourself, in the absence of others who are supposedly less important—do not exist as someone who is more important. That’s because everything is in relationship—depending on its context for meaning—and so identities like “I’m more important” begin to fall apart when you have no one with whom to compare yourself.

From The Unfindable Inquiry: One Simple Tool to Overcome Feelings of Unworthiness and Find Inner Peace

The Unfindable Inquiry is available on amazon.com

The Panorama Inquiry for Seeking

By Scott Kiloby.  

  1. Imagine yourself sitting in the middle of a room, with all the other people and things in your life placed around you in a circle.
  2. Scan around the whole circle.
  3. As you look at each person or thing, notice how it appears to reflect back to you the idea that you are deficient in some way.

In a way, your life is already designed as a circle. All the people, situations, and events you encounter are all around you, feeding you information about who you are. Imagining this circle puts everything and everyone around you into focus. It allows you to see how each person and thing is mirroring back to you some version of the story I am deficient.

Seeking in vain outside the self for what the self seems to lack is an impulse ingrained into the very fabric of the story of self. This impulse is based on one fundamental assumption: I am separate and deficient. We can spend our whole lives believing this basic assumption about ourselves. Until it is questioned, it tends to continue operating, driving much of what we do and how we act toward others.

When the basic assumption of separation and deficiency is undermined and seen through, fruitless seeking naturally relaxes, and we experience a stable sense of completeness with life as it is in the present moment. We can enjoy relationships, create things, express ourselves, follow our interests, and enjoy life in every way. We find that we can still move and fully operate in the world, but now without the belief that something is missing at a fundamental level.

Seeking is happening in our lives in so many ways that it can make our heads spin when we begin to look more closely at it. The Panorama Inquiry works well with useless seeking because it places all the people and things in our lives in a circle around us. By creating the circle, we can see that we are seeking in just about every direction.

Notice that when you rest in the moment, without emphasizing any thought, there is nothing to seek. There’s nowhere to go. Here you are, in the present moment. Your thoughts have relaxed, and you’re at peace. Even as you relax thoughts, you may notice that the energy in your body feels restless. Let that restless energy be as it is. Let it arise and fall without going back into the story of needing to seek something in the future, or from someone else. As the energy is allowed to relax, the mind relaxes with it more and more.

It’s worth repeating that these inquiries are not designed to create another avenue for fruitless seeking. They aren’t designed to get you something that you believe you lack. They’re here to help you see through the self that lacks. That seeing through is always a present seeing. The inquiry brings you right back to where you already are, resting in the present moment. There’s a stable well-being and contentment in presence. That sense of stable well-being and contentment is not based on getting to some later point, or getting something from someone else.

From The Unfindable Inquiry: One Simple Tool to Overcome Feelings of Unworthiness and Find Inner Peace

The Unfindable Inquiry is available on amazon.com

The Scandal of Believing in Objectivity

By Scott Kiloby.  

Much of the disharmony in relationship can be attributed to the belief in objectivity—that is, belief in the notion that we experience other people the way they really are. As we’ve seen, the belief in objectivity tends to arise right along with the belief in being a separate individual. Through my own separate me, I see separate others. Once you’ve made this division in your mind, there’s a tendency for you to believe that you, the subject, can see other people and objects exactly as they are. And in that tendency there’s a kind of mental sleepiness, a blindness to the fact that every time you see anything, what you’re actually doing is thinking. You fail to see that you’re looking through a filter of thought.

When you believe in objectivity, you have difficulty seeing that your words, pictures, and energies paint others in a way that is unique to you. Your words, pictures, and energies make up your entire view of reality. Your views of other people are shaped by your memories, your personal history, your culture, your world view, and your psychological and emotional traits along with various other influences. You don’t see others the way they are. You see them the way you are. The painter is inseparable from the painting.

For a quick experience of this reality, rest for a moment without any thoughts. In the moment of resting without thoughts, you don’t know who or what a person is, precisely because no thoughts are arising in you. Your thoughts inform you of everything you think you know about anyone, including yourself. When thoughts begin to arise in you, notice that they’re coming from your own personal set of memories. Each of your arising thoughts has to do with a particular past experience, one that you interpreted in a personal and particular way. Your view of another person is actually a view of your own memories, as if you were in a relationship with your memories and not with the other person. And as emotions and sensations arise alongside your memories, your image of that person is reinforced.

Notice that this is always the case, no matter whom you encounter. At any given moment, the way you see a particular person—that is, your thoughts about that person—will depend completely on the particular words, pictures, and energies that are arising in you. And what you think about that person will have a lot to do with your education, your upbringing, your fears, your thoughts about yourself, and many influences from your culture that shape your attitudes about who people are or who they should be. This reality can be difficult to see until you begin meeting people freshly in the moment, without dragging your memories into each encounter and using them to interpret others’ words and actions in the present. When you’re not able to see that your thoughts are producing your view of another person, you buy into the belief that you are seeing the other person objectively, exactly as he or she really is. You can’t see that your view of the other person is relative and subjective. You can’t see that your view of that person is limited to what you think, feel, and sense in the moment.

From The Unfindable Inquiry: One Simple Tool to Overcome Feelings of Unworthiness and Find Inner Peace 

The Unfindable Inquiry is available on amazon.com