As a young child I knew and trusted my connection to spirit – I felt it, I saw it, I lived within it! But after significantchildhood trauma, I felt abandoned and believed I could no longer trust in spirit. This was the pivot point, the initiation of my soul’s journey – a long and difficult one.
I moved forward from this point with determination, and in that determination lived the belief that no one or no thingcould be trusted, and all experiences were opportunities for growth, but only to strengthen my internal warrior – the warrior that would keep me safe at all cost.
I later learned that I was also keeping myself safe against my own self. Through much searching, I came to realize that the one who felt most betrayed by this life-time of challenges and difficulties was my own beautifully innocent self. The seeing was that this warrior and her defenses were unconsciously developed to keep me safe from the one that had allowed those woundings, had not been smart enough, had not been strong enough, had not been savvy enough to avoid being hurt. All those years I had been judging myself and self-medicating, all in order to prevent my sitting with what was in the body, to stop me from feeling pain.
Although I had spent much of my adult life searching, and even had what I would call peak experiences of understanding and awakening, it wasn’t until I suffered a traumatic brain injury in a car accident that I was forced to stop. I no longer had anywhere to go, nothing to do – the accident literally erased where I thought I was going and who I believed myself to be.
The first couple of years were about simply coming out of the fog of the brain injury, complying with the health care providers, and doing everything I could to recover the me I remembered and had held on to, tightly. It was around two and half years into my recovery before there was a shift in my healing. That shift brought back a sense of the old me (the doer), and with that arose utter loss and grief. I could sense that doer, but my brain had no space or tolerance for her behaviors. If I did more than 2 things in a day, I would literally be stopped for days amidst migraine, dizziness and pain. I felt as if insanity was creeping in. How could I look like me, how could I look normal, but yet I couldn’t be or act normal? And in a moment of frantic searching for understanding the accident’s impact on my brain, I happened on the Living Inquiries website. It was the words “Are you tired of endlessly trying to fix your life?” that just hit. I knew in that moment I wanted to train in,and become a Living Inquiries facilitator.
My first Living Inquiries session was a simple invitation to just sit with my thoughts, feelings and body sensations, allowing me to drop in and witness the story and beliefs that lay hidden just below the surface of my conscious awareness; to just notice and be with what simply arose. Guided by the gentle and wise words of my facilitator, I was able to find a capacity to sit with whatever arose – I was able to access my own inner wisdom that was offered in that moment, freedom from the mind’s storytelling. It was the invitation to just rest – something that I had searched for years through mindfulness and meditation retreats, counselling, exercise, in life’s lessons, and there it was, waiting simply in the being with what arose.
I began my facilitator training shortly after and, to this day,continue a practice of regularly sitting with what arises – either through self-inquiry or facilitated sessions with peers. The gift of this practice continues to amaze me, the noticing of the falling away of the conditioning and patterning that had been unconsciously running my life. And the gift that it allows those around me to also just be as they are, because as I build my own capacity to be with me, I am also building my capacity to be with another – holding us both in the space of the heart! Of course, the mind will continue to do its storytelling, and the physical body will continue to move in this world of form as it is meant to… and there is a knowing that my heart can continuously open to trust in its capacity to hold both joy and suffering as I learn to reside in the now.
Currently I am a non-practicing Registered Midwife, Certified Living Inquiries Facilitator, Certified Usui Reiki Master, and intuitive healer. I continue to follow my heart and my love and dedication to learning. At present, I am dedicated to my practice and study of mindfulness, the Foundation of Shamanic Studies, my practice of Breathwork, and my continued studies in Reiki, Living Inquiries, and the creation of ritual in everyday life. I am a proud momma to two beautiful children who serve as my greatest teachers and a committed partner to my husband of 21 years.