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The Exhaustion of Inner Oppression

By Lisa Meuser.

Here is the second piece in a series of blog posts exploring discomfort and disconnection.  

I have been noticing in clients, in myself, and perhaps everywhere: tension (and discomfort) goes up when a sense of connection to well-being goes down.  It’s not the tension or push-pull that’s the problem, in fact tension is a normal part of the human experience; it’s the constant lack of well-being amidst the tension. Could you imagine us being a culture that communicated from kindness, that operated from a sense of “we-ness”, or that was rooted in curiosity? Even amidst tension, we could be in connection, supporting one another. But we are a culture rooted in dominant/oppressive narrative[1] behaviors and mores, a culture that is rooted in disconnection, and so along with tension we also feel disconnect, and that changes everything. 

When I think of tension, I think of a “push-pull.” There is something pushing, and another thing pulling, and this creates a tension. We may have literally experienced this in our families of origin – where we perhaps found ourselves in between our mothers and fathers, or, as was in my case, in between my mother and my brother. We may have experienced this in our circles of friends, or in other kinds of engagements, where, for example, there is a sense of pressure to be a certain way. We may have experienced this from groups of people, or from culture itself, particularly if we are from a marginalized population (as deemed by the culture in which one lives).  We often don’t have good skills to navigate these tensions, and we often aren’t with others who have these skills either, who can support us.

Survivors know this territory well, on a variety of levels. Instead of being raised with loving and kind voices and a compassionate culture, we were often raised with external narratives filled with supposed tos and shoulds, as well as other judgements, and sometimes even hatred. We tried so hard to “be good,” but we still got treated the way we were being treated. 

It hurts to be rejected, to be excluded, to be othered, to be harmed, to be left out… to not belong. We so desperately want to be accepted by others, included by others, valued by others, loved… and it can be devastating when we are not. We try so hard to get that approval so that we can belong. Over time we innocently internalize those external judgmental narratives, and they become our own narratives. In the process we begin to turn ourselves into pretzels – fighting with ourselves to be certain ways – still trying to get that approval, to get that belonging. 

We can literally feel this push-pull in our bodies when we are involved in conflict, with ourselves or with others. One part of ourselves may be pushing one way, while another part may be pulling in another way. It can show up differently for each person, based on the context. I often experience it in my solar plexus, but it has showed up in my throat, heart, lower belly and other areas of my body. It is usually very uncomfortable and can create distress in our bodies. You might think to a time when you weren’t sure what to do. You wanted to X, but you also wanted to Y. Maybe it was your belly in that push/pull, and it felt like there was a knot there.  Maybe it was in your heart, with a clenching. Maybe it was in your throat, with a tightening. Or maybe there was overwhelm, and so a sense of numbness came over you. Not knowing how to navigate the discomfort of our bodies, this push-pull often takes us to our minds, where an internal sense of fighting comes alive – a fighting and a franticness in our thoughts, as we’re convinced that we’ll be able to figure it out from there.

Feeling Exhausted?

All that pretzel-making is such burdened, hard work – in an innocent attempt to feel safe, we turn to fighting with our self through our thoughts.  We so badly want this discomfort to end, and we attempt to rely on our thoughts to do it. The unconscious internal narratives may look like, “If I do X, things will calm down,” “If I do Y, they will stop yelling at each other,” “If I do Z, this knot in my belly will go away,” “If I am XYZ, I will be included.” The thoughts can morph into “I should be better than I am”, “I should be like I was when XYZ”, “I should be like XYZ person is,” “I am supposed to be XYZ, not as I am.” The variations are endless.  Hidden within all these unconscious narratives are shoulds and supposed tos and have tos, that we hope and believe will lead us to relief and safety.

Phew. Is it any wonder why we experience so much anxiety, and why we are so exhausted? 

This frenetic state of being is perhaps the biggest clue that we are out of well-being, and that we need to get some clarity. We know that our revved-up thoughts are not helping, and so we must slow down and pause. As we do so, we will be able to step back from the franticness of our minds and start to get conscious with the subtext/subconsciousness of our thoughts by simply asking ourselves, “What thoughts am I having right now about XYZ/myself?”  Having a healthy relationship with our somatic presence is an important part of this process. There are some simple practices to develop this relationship mid-way through this blog post.

Shifting into Well-Being

While this slowing down and becoming familiar with our thoughts is a necessary part of shifting patterns, we may not at first appreciate what we find! For example, we may have considered ourselves to be a rather peaceful person, only to discover this inward fighting and conflict going on! Discovering what had been out of my attention has often been difficult for me – it may bump up against a kind of arrogance I have about who I am and/or my place in the world. Said another way, it often didn’t feel good to my personality to realize how many blind spots I had about myself! Shame and humiliation often surfaced first. After the sting wore off, usually with the help of some loving people in my life, I moved from humiliation to humility, where I could wake more fully to the learning part of being human. Once I re-remember I am a human here to learn, I find the discovery aspect of my human journey less threatening, slowly becoming grateful for the opportunity to unlearn the innocent yet harmful patterning. 

I didn’t have support to help me be aware of my subconscious narratives early in my journey and so it took me a long time to learn that often it wasn’t others who were harming me anymore. Over and over I thought it was other people. To clarify, yes, people had harmed me tremendously in my past, particularly when I was a child. I had minimal sense of autonomy or ability to choose with regards to my predicament. As I matured and was able to make choices for myself, those internalized oppressive narratives followed me, and over time I realized that as an adult, no one was harming me as much as I was harming me through the subconscious mental fights going on in my mind in attempts to feel safe. 

When we argue with who we are and when we are constantly comparing our self to others/imagined selves, it is we who are rejecting our self, berating our self, other-ing our self, excluding our self. What once began as others not being loving towards us and others rejecting and judging us, becomes us not loving our self, rejecting our self, and judging our self. It becomes us who abandon our very self. 

Spotting that internal fight, rather than focusing on the external fight, can be a first step in putting a cog in the wheel of self-violation. It can also be a huge step in moving towards empowerment, because while we can’t control how others respond to us, we can slowly over time learn how to be kind and loving and accepting of ourselves. And for the record, self-compassion is something I had to learn as an adult, because it was never role-modeled to me as a child or even into my 20s, despite my years in a spiritual community.

Loosening the Grip of Oppression 

Naming this happening may seem like no big deal, but naming is one of the most important components of shifting a habitual pattern. A pattern runs at its strongest when it happens without consciousness. As soon as it becomes conscious, it immediately starts to lose power and it will lose more power if there is less judgement associated with the naming. In other words, if I beat myself up for being conscious of the pattern, it will hold it in place. But if, upon recognizing I’ve participated in the pattern, I can factually say to myself, “Ohhh, I just did that. Ok, I can see how that is the pattern of X,” that simple awareness will start to shift the pattern. This is where getting support was helpful for me in shifting the patterning, as I did not know how to treat myself with patience or kindness until it was modeled to me through somatic practitioners trained in trauma healing.  

Once you are able to name the patterning without judgement, you might start to notice it more. As kindly and compassionately as you can, keep naming the pattern as it arises, without trying to fix or change it. The kindness and compassion itself can be profound in shifting the pattern. I found journaling to be useful, in addition to exploring with supportive practitioners and friends. 

Although it may take time, all of this plays a role in shifting the oppressive tendencies we have with regard to how we treat ourselves, as well as others. 

Keep exploring, and please let me know what questions arise for you as you get to know yourself!

[1]  I’ve written about the dominant narrative here and here

To read more about Lisa Meuser, click here.

A Journey of Connecting with Discomfort

By Lisa Meuser.

There’s something huge going on right now that is freaking people out around the globe, within almost every person: discomfort. 

Whether it’s Covid 19, or the great awakening with regards to racism, or something in between, this is a time of uncertainty – and for most humans, that ushers in dis-ease, restlessness, anxiety… discomfort.  

If we could clean up our relationship with discomfort, the world would be a lot different. Yes, the world.  Really. And, yeah. It’s not that easy. I know. Discomfort and I were enemies most of my life. I did everything I could to negotiate with discomfort  – I maneuvered, manipulated and managed life in such a way that I became an expert at avoiding discomfort. On levels I was not conscious of, I thought discomfort (1) defined who I was as a person, and (2) would kill me if I felt it. Hidden within both (1) and (2) was a rather significant belief: if I’m feeling discomfort, it’s because I’m doing something wrong. Or worse yet, if I’m feeling discomfort, it’s because I am wrong (or a derivative – bad, for example). 

This belief is a pretty limiting belief, yeah? It is a belief that promises pretty much only one thing: a life of suffering. There is no way around it. If one believes that discomfort equals wrongness, or any derivative, there is going to be suffering – eventually. 

I tried to hold off “eventually” for as long as I could. To avoid it, I spent my life trying to control, fix, adapt, manage, figure out… and when that didn’t work, or exhausted/overwhelmed me, I rotated between being numb, dissociated and disembodied.

Survival Strategy: Going Mental
Why would I choose such a belief if it’s guaranteed to bring me suffering? Why would anyone? Well, no-one would choose it. But life experiences and various contexts will innocently lead us to this belief. 

For example, if we’re in a family of origin that does not talk about feelings and sensations, and how to be with them…. or if we’re in a family of origin where the adults are causing us harm… or if we’re in a family of origin where our siblings or other young people are harming us, and the adults in our lives aren’t helping us… or… (there are countless possibilities).  As a young being, we will experience shock when we are harmed or disconnected[1] from a sense of/our sources of safety. Without guidance, without people to safely re-connect with us, and without nurturing instruction, we will quickly become overwhelmed, and then we will innocently turn against ourselves.   

We won’t be aware of it at the time, but we will subconsciously blame ourselves. We are literally at the mercy of the adults in our life, so we need them to be good in our eyes. It is not safe to blame the adults, so we blame ourselves. We will assume it’s us, and then we’ll try to find out how to please our caregivers, figure out who they want us to be; we’ll try to manage the situation and our own behavior, even try to control what’s happening, control our caregivers and/or ourselves through our behavior, or to fix what we think is wrong. Or we just keep adapting to their wants and needs while losing contact with our own.  

In thinking that it is our fault, in an attempt to figure out how to get out of such a predicament, we will disconnect from our bodies because it’s too overwhelming to be with what we’re feeling without support. Instead we will turn to our heads to help us manage, fix, figure out, fantasize, and/or control.  We will literally go mental, in an attempt to feel better, to feel connected, to feel whole.  

Until we learn how to safety include our bodies, we will live the rest of our lives from this very mental-oriented strategy/adaptation. A friend of mine created this diagram to describe the (mostly subconscious until recently) process that she has been reliving over and over throughout her life:

discomfort =>

belief: I’m doing something wrong/I’m wrong =>

I’ve got to: figure out/manage/control/fix/adapt =>

overwhelm/exhaustion –> numbing/dissociating/disembodying =>

more discomfort…

…and the cycle continues

This is 100% “normal” in our culture: I’ve not met a person that hasn’t done this in one way or another. Some people unconsciously live their whole lives from this disembodied place so as to avoid what they innocently fear: discomfort.  They don’t know from lived experience that discomfort is normal, and actually a necessary aspect of evolvement, and instead conflate it with personal lack, I-am-wrong-ness and even danger.

Befriending Discomfort, So That We Can Know Love

So here we are – and I’m noticing something interesting. As I’ve been journeying with so many during this time of Covid-19, which then flowed into a world-wide awakening into the naming of systemic racism, I notice the most resilient people are those who have made “friends” with (or, re-connected with) not just their bodies, but also with discomfort. For various reasons, some of us have learned – by choice or by circumstance – how to be in our bodies while there is discomfort. Others of us have not been given the opportunity to learn this, or are very slowly learning this with the support of experienced practitioners. This territory will feel extremely counter-intuitive for most, so it is a journey… a learning that will re-create a life anew for us. 

I am going to write a series of posts about this curtailing

  • how and why this is particularly relevant now
  • the importance, and *necessity*, of befriending discomfort
  • how this is linked to racism (and Covid 19) and white supremacy
  • how this is related to waking up, Love, and unity consciousness
  • how this is connected with self-love, trust, and a life of well-being
  • how to unweave and unlearn the belief that discomfort is bad/dangerous. Or, in other words, how to put a cog in the wheel of oppression. 

Yup, it’s all related. If you’ve read my past posts about awakenings over the years, you might already get a sense of how it’s all related. The giveaway: in order to open one’s heart and reside in Love, in order to truly be as unity-consciousness, in order to sincerely be in well-being: one must have an inner resilience to be able to feel all that comes with such territory. The territory of our humanity is wide, expansive and deep. Befriending one’s body – reconnecting with one’s body – and discomfort, is key if one is to be with this territory. 

This is not easy territory. It requires us to be well-acquainted with the depths of compassion and presence, the somatics of trust and allowance, and… the wisdom of Love. 

I will be moving into more context in the next piece in this series. Please feel free to email me with feedback or questions at [email protected]

[1] It’s crucial to name that underneath our struggle with discomfort, is disconnect. As young beings we feel whole and loved when we are with loving and kind people. When we experience a lack of love and kindness as young beings we experience disconnect, which can be terrifying. Unless there is repair, that sense of disconnection will live on, and we will crave and try to “get” wholeness by any means possible moving forward.

To read more about Lisa Meuser, click here.

Waking Up – A Rebellious Act of Love

By Lisa Meuser.

“Transform yourself to transform the world…”
Grace Lee Boggs

 

What’s going on?

Across the world, cities are coming alive with awakenings. These are important times, perhaps what Joanna Macy calls the “great turning.” Some have been on this path for a while, and for others it is rather new. Regardless, as always, we will need each other to learn from, share with, and lean on. Together we will evolve. Together we will wake up.

Including More

It dawned on me a few years ago that the matrix journeying I was doing with clients, looking into their lifelong webs and traveling back in time to generational lineages, was short-sighted. I was “progressive” in my field, but not progressive enough as I hadn’t seen that the matrix of the individual was directly related to the matrix of culture. Transformative wisdom teaches us that history is important – I had seen this from a micro lens, and, had excluded the crucial macro lens.

This seeing was my entry way into exploring how the dominant narrative culturally exists, and that our individual dominant narrative mirrors that: they are all webbed within a matrix. For example, when we live in a culture that is run by a white authoritative narrative, and we do, we will embody that authoritative narrative within ourselves, and we do.

This was pretty “radical” wake up back then. Social justice groups weren’t very interested in their own individual dominant narrative, and still often aren’t. Spiritual and psychological groups weren’t so interested in culture’s dominant narrative, and still often aren’t. But here we are – in a time when it’s clear that the micro and the macro are inseparable, and it is becoming crystal clear that as social justice advocates, we must be connected to what is going on internally, and as healers and somatic practitioners, we must be connected to what is going on with culture. As forerunners of change, we are invited to go deeper into the relationship of all things so that true change and transformation can occur.

For many of you, what I’ve just said will make sense, and for others I may be using language that is new or confusing. Keep reading… I write many posts that will usher in useful context.

Some of you have asked about my own journey of waking up with regards to racism and social injustice. I prefer to center Black Indigenous People of Color (BIPOC) voices, however since I have written on these topics in the past, I am sharing them in this post, as many have shared that they have been useful in exploring racism and our historically racist culture.  

If you don’t have time to read any of the posts below, please consider checking out this link.
It has an extensive list of resources that are categorized, and way beyond my own personal list of resources that I offer in one of my posts below. There is also this link, which has an annotated and non-annotated option. There are many great lists of resources, these are just two.

My Journey, Through Blog Posts

These posts are shared following the timeline in which they were written. You will see my own personal evolution, as you read them. There is a lot not included in these posts, but I hope that they will provide some useful information. The waking up continues! 

*Connecting to the Heart While Connecting to the Social Justice Pain. The first in a 3 part series, in this post I explore how to be more present to social injustices, while staying in my heart. 

*The Gift of Consciously Connecting to Anger, aka Social Justice, Heart-Work, and Evolution. In this post I dive deeper into how not to fall into overwhelm and debilitating anger when we start to wake up to social injustices. 

*Heart-Work; Guiding us Forward. The third in a 3 part series, in this post I dive more deeply into what I call “Heart work” and some practical tips to stay connected to heart while exploring painful realities. 

*Acknowledging the Racist Within: confronting my white privilege and ignorance. This is my “coming out” story of my own racism. 

*Resources that help me learn: Including our bodies in social justice: voices that teach. In this blog post I share resources that have helped me along the journey. 

*Loosening the Grip of Oppression. This blog post explores the oppression that lives inside our minds; learning about this territory is central to waking up and having compassion for our self. 

*Deepening With Each Other. In this blog post I write about how in 2019 I moved from being somewhat isolated to being an active and engaged participant in life, and some key learnings that came with it.

*New Year’s Clarity. In this piece I write about questions to connect with that will help guide me into 2020.

*Learning to Exist, Safely. In this post I write about how I moved from pretending, towards honestly. This is particularly relevant in these times. 

*Journeying with Generational Trauma. In this blog post I continue to dive beneath the surface in connecting to hidden traumas in my family of origin that had been holding my trauma in place, impacting my life. 

*Out of Overwhelm: Discovering Self-Regulation, Discovering Self-Love. 

Relevant for these days, in which there is a lot of overwhelm, for so many of us, I offer practical tips on how to self-regulate. 

I hope these may be helpful for you on your journey of waking up out of trauma and into being a more full and conscious participant with life. If you have questions based on something you’ve read, please reach out. If you are struggling and/or would like me to write about specific topics, please let me know.  A reminder that I love you all, no matter who you are, or what you believe. Love is waiting and available for everyone.

To read more about Lisa Meuser, click here.

How Full Is Your Well?

By Lisa Meuser.

Almost daily, I journey with clients who are beating themselves up during these Covid-19 times for not being more productive, so I thought I’d write a little about it.

I think it’s worthwhile to consider why we might not be as productive as we think we should be. I think it’s useful to be reflective and ask ourselves questions…

  • What do we need in order to be productive?
  • What helps us to be able to be productive?
  • What gets in our way or diminishes our abilities to be productive?
  • Why does it matter to us if we’re being productive?
    and
  • How full is our internal well?While I love the terrain of the first questions, I’m mainly going to be focusing on that last question: How full is our internal well?

For most of the individuals that I’m speaking with, we have noticed that before COVID-19 came around, their well was already dry, or mostly dry. This is really common because we live in a culture that overworks, that over-thinks, that over-demands, and underneath it all, doesn’t value self-connection, self-awareness, self-love, nor the nourishment of our hearts, our minds, and our bodies. In fact, many in our culture won’t even have the luxury of considering their internal well.

When our wells are dry and then a pandemic strikes, we might immediately ask ourselves: “is this really the right time to think or expect ourselves or others to be productive? Does that really make sense?”  While it’s hard to counter those dominant narrative[1] thoughts that we hear all day in our own heads, and from the collective, it’s essential for our well-being that, if we are able[2], we slow down and ask ourselves questions.

Again I ask, “When our wells are dry and then a pandemic strikes, is that really the right time to think or expect ourselves or others to be productive? Does that really make sense?” Or, might it be a time to instead slow down and acknowledge that our well is empty, and first we need to, at least, begin to fill it. Perhaps it would be a radical act to get clear and name this, if at all possible, before we take on anymore: we need to tend to our depleted wells.

Yep, I know, easier said than done – those internalized, dominant narrative thoughts are strong, and scarcity fears and realities are intense at the moment. But, if you are someone who is wondering why they’re not more productive in this time, and if you are able to slow down… I invite you to ask yourself how full your well has been. Was it full before Covid 19? Was it full for a year leading up to Covid 19? Has it ever been full? If your well has not been full, please know this isn’t your fault. Please don’t think it’s one more thing to beat yourself up about. This is an outcome of the systemic, dominant narrative that we are all a part of that ignores our wells.

If you are beating yourself up for not being productive, or for having an empty well, I have an experiment for you. If you are able, choose to consciously decide to not be productive in all the ways. See what is possible to walk away from for a few weeks. Put the X away. Put Y aside. Acknowledge that this just isn’t the time. Give yourself permission not to be productive as you think you should be, knowing that any other expectation would just be a set up for more self-judgement. Additionally, give yourself permission to ask for help from friends, family, and/or from local service providers who are working in mutual aid.

As you put X aside, take up this curious question: what is it that fills your well, just even a little bit? What happens as you put aside X, and take up Z instead?? I took this question to heart. Slowing down to connect to the micro within moments, has been filling my well – watching the beak of a bird eating bird seed, examining the unfolding of a leaf or flower bud with my eyes and nose, experiencing a micro movement of breath within a breath, watching the tongue of my cat, feeling the aches of my heart, the growth in my garden, hearing the witty and wise comments out of my daughter’s mouth, taking part in community meditations, listening to the movements of leaves, the sound of feet on the floor…   All of these various “Z”s have been contributing to my well. What about you?

If your well is not full, the time of a pandemic is not the time to push yourself, judge yourself, pressure yourself into being a more productive human being. Instead, if you are able, gift your mind, your heart, and your entire being, the nourishment needed to let your well begin to fill[3].

When your well begins to start to fill again, it may be the time to take on some of the questions I posed at the beginning: What do you need in order to be productive? What helps you to be able to be productive? What gets in your way or diminishes your ability to be productive? Why does it matter to you if we’re being productive? Once your well starts to fill again, you will be tempting to engage in the very same behaviors that empty your well, so before you do that… I invite you to go slow, and stay connected to yourself.

I came into the pandemic with my well mostly full, as I had just taken four days off with practices and people who fill my heart, mind and being. After those four days, returning back to life as I had known it was tempting – my caregiving and fixing conditioning can be loud, and the dominant narrative seductively started blasting through organizations I was a part of, through my Facebook newsfeed, and through my very own psyche as the pandemic hit full force.

Fortunately, I am committed to seeing through the destructive ways of the dominant narrative and how I partake in them, and are surrounded by others who are too, so I immediately started to ask myself the questions I posed above. I keep returning to those questions and continue exploring whenever the “productive bug” gets in my ear.

In the spirit of tending to my own well, which I am being very mindful of these days with regards to how full (or empty) it is, I will resist the urge to share more, and instead keep this blog short.

I invite you to stay curious, stay connected to your well, and reach out for support as needed. These are challenging times for most, and you do not have to muddle through it alone.

To all my survivor friends, I love you, I care about you, I see you. You are worthy just as you are. I imagine us breathing in Love together and letting that breath be enough, knowing that we too are enough, just as we are.

To read more about Lisa Meuser, click here.

[1]  I’ve written about the dominant narrative here and here

[2] Unfortunately, many may be in predicaments where, due to a variety of reasons, they do not have the time/space to slow down, ask such questions, or even consider their well.

[3] Again, it is important to acknowledge that many people will not have the privilege to consider their own well. If this is you, or someone you love, please look into your local area’s support services as many communities are forming mutual aid groups to help care for those who are in need.

Covid 19 Invocations

By Lisa Meuser.

I pray with the unseen these days.
And yet, I pray with the seen, too.
The buds, the sprouts, the blossoms, the leaves.

I pray with the new blessings that appear out of nowhere in the shape of a flower slowly revealing itself, cloud formations from a once all grey sky, 13 deer appearing amidst my evening walk, and sun beams striking through the depths of my being: all, in their own way, waking me from slumber, uniting me with the unseen.

I pray with the unseen behind the seen.
The ever-changing winds of change,
bringing who knows what tomorrow,
who knows what today.

The angered conversations online, as well as the exchanges of sweet sorrow.
Broken hearts, clenching guts, joy, and gratitude.
There is truth in all of it.

I pray with the seen, and the unseen present to it all.
Always wanting to do more, knowing that my stamina has been my super power,
I continue to bring my breath back to the unseen, and I pause
for moments longer than ever before.

In trusting the unseen I honor the action that
has no action,
the Love that doesn’t always take form, and
the dancing tree tops who witness it all.

To read more about Lisa Meuser, click here.